halloween 2010

HALLOWEEN 2010 - sucks .
evrything went so bad tat day, i got ditched . ended up in bobo's house wih slave, watched 200 LBS beauty for the 5th time probably -.-"
basically, tat day SUCKS .

slave's burfday party (hotpot)

So drunk, fml .
I don't remember half of the things happened yesterday, it's like my brain's busted.
I heard that I played basketball, danced, puke and a lot of stuff . And I woke up in slave's house . GEEZ

But it's not that bad, since at least those guys didn't try doing anything to me ?
What's worse was I heard that I was being carried like an object -.-"
FML FML FML T.T

surprise

he talked to me again
this time, just in time to reply him . how weird
there isn't any extra affection towards him; typical conversation .
he said he misses me, i can see the definition beneath those words . not true :)

please don't say what you don't mean, i wasn't expecting anything from you ><
just quit lying to me :/

weather is getting cold ..
urgh hate this, everytime the weather turns cold, so does my emotions ><
S.A.D. ; seasonal affected disorder
i think i need to consult a psychologist as well, geez .

imsoselfish.

I don't want to get close with anyone . Once I get close to you, I won't let you go easily >.< "
It's a weakness, but it's also a strength . IDK what to do T3T
It's like, I don't want my best friend to be stolen away, and for a fact I know, I can't be so selfish and greedy to keep one person alone to myself. They could pursuit happiness in their life the way they want to, either in love or what-so-ever . But still, even though that's what I tell myself, I, myself still have a hard time cooping with whatever reasonable argument I came up with ...

But after reading Sue's blog, I think my life is not really that hard . At least, putting up a smile is way easier than having to deal with family problems, financial and stuff all at the same time . Compare to her, my life is so much more chill .

Urgh...

emotionless

im speechless, he took off that post :)
but i rmb evry word in tat status clearly .

anyways, get bck to recent life. like today, omggggggg MsPacker is nt here again. and i get to socialize wih a couple of ppl in class like usual >:]
wuh surprises me is tat storm actuali wud smile/laugh infront of me . like u know, hes cold infront of me . today i sat nex to him during lunch cuz i cnt find my frenz, and when i open the bottle of water, the water dripped down to his shirt and yeah.. he didn't get mad, instead he laughed LOL

idk wuh im saying reli.. -.-"
buh forget it, just get bck to reality. life is nt treating me tat bad ?
just when i dunhav a smile on my face, evrybody just lingers around me and keep askin wuhs goin on, am i okay and stuff... its like, im hapi evrybody's so worried ><
though, i didn't tell them why was my mood so greatly affected .

back in time

My mind is very occupied lately with piles of works in this and that. I have absolutely no time to think about unnecessary things :)
That's, until today ? LOL
I was being nosy and I went on facebook using char's account and went into my profile through char's facebook. I saw a comment from "him"... A smiley face..... ?

Like seriously, are you kidding me ?? A smiley face ? Then I go into his profile and check his posts, one of them say stuffs that caught my attention greatly. Honestly, not trying to be conceited, I'm 80% sure that post is for me. Either the time, setting, structure and everything is like speaking to me.... >.<

I CNT LET IT GO JUST YET . Why is timee alwizzz pauseeddd in my own lil world ?! Cant I just honestly move on, and do something beneficial to the present ?!

Move on, Carmen, move on..

october :) ~

everything is going welllll :D ~
TODAY RAINED SO HARD THOUGH, I GOT SOAKED WET T.T
&&i got late to school again, sigh

you

i miss you so much, i don't know what i'm doing, really .

eyes

I GET ABOUT 6 HOURS OF SLEEP EVERDAY, PLUS 14 HOURS OF CONTACT LENS USAGE ><
MY EYES ARE WORN OUT T.T
they are so dull, and dead >< sobsobsob

i hate my math class teacher, i think he picks on me-.-"
he always notice wuh im duin, and just called out my last nameee LOUDLY and tell me to pay attention-.-"
yeah guess wuh, i get the whole class attention cuz of him . GEEZ .

aiiiiii

I haven't posted anything in awhile, that's all because of school !
School is so tiring, I'm either late, or just get into trouble pft . But at some point, school is fun too :)
At least I got all those nice friends like Carmen and Calvin, ahhahaa
Guess I would be bothering them for the whole school year LOL

Get back into topic, I heard my mom on a phone call today in the morning . Looks like someone is making her a bank again . I really am not in the position to say anything, but I can't stand seeing her just doing these things nonchalantly ><
I wish she's a little better in saying NO . Boo ><

Not going to church in a while really makes difference . Aiiii, old habit got back up again . I hate this .

Other than these, everything seemed fine for me .
Oh one more thing, I think I'm not going to talk to M anymore . 'cause I think I'm just giving troubles to him, pft ><

BLUE BEAR !

Today I got a blue bear from TERRIIERR KONGGG ;D <3333
OMGG THE BEAR IS HUGE ANDD ADORABLEEEEEE <3333
sosoosooocutee !! :D
&&of course, that totally lift up my dull mood lately :) ~
geez, these days, my skin got so bad .... i wished mom will filter the water like IMMEDIATELY .

SCHOOL&& OLD DIARY LOL

First day of school :)
It was okay overall hahahh
Today, looking into my stuffs, I found a green book with patterns all over .
I looked into it, they are all my diary entries when I first come to the states . It's amazing how my English got so much better and improved that MUCH !!

Geez, my innocence were truly amazing . How much have I changed over the years ? All those entries were truthful, sincere blessings I give to each and every person . Vanity wasn't even put into account, which is different today ! LOL

Truth is, I can never return to the past, I'm just hoping after reading all those entries, maybe just maybe I would clear up my mind and think over again about what life really means .

facebook .

i told kenny to change my facebook password ><
guess yhu can say, i no longer use facebook . cuz i dunwan to know wuhs going on there and get involve wih dramas . the more things i see in there, the more i think of how life is so disappointing .

i wan to live, not just surviving . i wan to experience a lot of stuffs ><
i wonder, when will it be my turn ?

i realize, im gettin more and more like a typical gal . im no longer the old stubborn gal who doesnt give up SIGH
&&i alwiz ask myself, is this the life tat i reali wanted ?

if this keeps up

I WILL GO CRAZY IF THIS KEEPS UP .
WUH hAPPEN TO ME . WHEN DID U BCUM SO IMPORTANT TO ME, I HATE MYSELF HATEHATEHATE
FORGET ABOUT IT, FORGET ABOUT EVRYTHING ><
geez i hate this, wish i never met yhu . leave me alone ><

NOT so perfect day .

RESPONSIBILITY

it was supposed to go well, wait wait wait and wait for more in school .
yhu know, i tried so hard -.-"
i try not to talk back, try to listen and do what i'm supposed to do. but this fucken retarded SON OF A BITCH aka my stepfather, just pisses me off .

BEGINNING OF THE END

i swear i've stopped cursing, until today . he's so ridiculous, alrite im learning dancing . he says my legs' veins are like popping ? he told me to stop my class . i got over it and just laugh it off .


STUPID PERSON IN LIFE

hes so ridiculous, is like evrything i do. he just gotta have bad comment about it .
the way i write, hold pen, the way i look, EVRYTHING . i feel like choking him sometimes-.-" he doesn't even know that hes offending people. for jesus sake, does he know how many ppl out thr he offended ?!

talking about other details, today is just like regular day minus i snapped and scream back yelling and screaming at like 10pm at nite .

SUE&&THUM

i'll pray for sue and thum tonite ><
well, honestly, my dear cuzin has mental issues . but still, i know she could be healed if she doesn't get so much stress... and i'm hoping that thum will be the one who helps her out of it ?

LOVE


get back to my own life, j talk to me today . i havent been talking to him for some day since he got back to mas from aus . aiiiii, idkkk ><
i probably will reli fall for him, IF i live in mas . buh i oni could think of one possible person to actuali like, or perhaps love . still the same old him ><


HIM

&&yet, i don't understand . hes not especially good or anything, and he treats me like crap .
aiiiiii, i alwiz torture myself in this matter . guess i nid more classes to get my mind into more things ? ><


CONCLUSION

KEEPING MYSELF BUSYBUSY BUSYY EHH EHH EHHH ~~

yesterday&&today ~

IFINALLYGOTINTODANCECLASS

im currently learning hiphop and club step >:]
well, the lessons are too fast, i can't really follow, but im trying my best and i know i really like it ><"
im hoping that this is ONE thing i can really complete mastering in my life ><
geez, how many things have i tried and failed ? i cant even keep them counting using my fingers ... (sorta loser-ish in this part)

and wuhs more, registration into francis lewis hs is FINALLY completed !

so, life's treating me alrite :) ~ and im hapi kekeke :D

thankgod>< ~

DRIVING :) ~

OHEMGEE
I'm going to learn driving :) ~
Life is so exciting lately . Yesterday, I went out with a lot of people . Well, people that I could be myself around :) ~

Starting to realize, whatever happens in Malaysia is just a plain, awesome MEMORY . Cause nobody could go back in time, what about looking forward.. right ?

And yeah, someone is not worth me worrying about . I mean, more like CARING about . This feeling is not going to be gone for awhile, but I hope it's not getting deeper ? Maybe I should do something, well lotsaaaa things to keep myself busy. Or else, I will think too much and end up being unhappy again.

Aihh, so much for being happy around people, and seeing people happy around me :) ~
If only, if onlyyyyy things were a little different ? Anyway, I apologized to Jacque today :) . I didn't know she cried over the stuff happened a couple of days ago .
I feel guilty taking it out on her because of things happening in one single day. ><
I'm such a bad bestfriend T3T

GOODBYEMALAYSIA2010 :(

geez ><
this place is absolutely awesome, i have gotten so many good memories from this simple place .
gonna be back to ny, world of dramas geez . not that im unhappy, im excited to see frenz frm ny >< but thrs just sumthin bout here that i cant let go . god, where do i belong reli ...

are yhu gonna miss me ? i wonder ...

IDKIDKIDK

the more i try to simplify things, the more complicated they get .
wuhs wrong wih today ?? today is the worst dayyyyy of august ><
i wish tmr could be better ><"

i'll prayhardtonight.

THROWBACKS :) !!

HAHAHA

I just noticed all my posts out there talk about life, and bad sad and ridiculous moments. Though idk how did i get here, feeling all that happy and blessed, but I got to thank god for that >:] !

The moment I step into Malaysia, my life changed. I met all these people that taught me life is not all about me, myself and I . I want to live a life, not just surviving.

I have the most blessed trip ever in my life :)
Things that I thought that I wouldn't be able to do in my life just appear possible !

Far back, I remember how foolish I was, I doubted god. I kept hating god for giving me obstacles in life. I finally realize, those were lessons. If those obstacles did not show up at all, I would still be as foolish or maybe worse.

meeting J is what gives me hope ;) <3

. LIFE WITHOUT Y.O.U.

Life without you, just prove that things really don't last forever . I'm so sick and tired of that girly shyt impressions you gave, you think you're all that different. Excuse you, too bad you're not . Just like other guys, you have this disgusting nasty flower heart :)

I did not fall for you, so I wouldn't care. Go screw yourself, leave my babe Lily alone .

KEY TO HAPPINESS ♥

I let go of everything . I really don't want to fight for em all again, it's really going nowhere and it's sad . Life is not much of an excitement, I have been following rules, listening and agreeing with people around me lately . I find this, very hard to coop with, but interesting ;]

L I F E S U C K S

and it's trufax ><; but i know the way a person coordinate with something will make life better.. somehow ? LOLOL ♥

OMFG IM SO FUCKEN PISSED >;[

things just wouldn't go my way these days .
i hate retracing my steps and do it fine, i will just go with the flow . really, sometimes i really feel like disconnecting from reality or even my current life. too much things to figure, too much things to desire . i already thrown away love life . currently, i just want to live as normal and as happy as it could get . can't things just go right, for once.. ? please ?

i guess you destroyed every little bit of my feeling.

two is better than one is absolutely bullshit. cuz i find being with myself, and just myself is better :)